Friday, October 19, 2012

Booger Gum

by James von Dielingen

I put a booger on the shelf
I was gonna eat it by myself
But my sister put her gum on top
I tried to tell her to please stop
but she didn't heed my plaintiff call
Now she's chewing her gum, my booger and all

Hector the Dry-Erase Marker

by James von Dielingen

Hector the dry-erase marker
Cried all night and all day
He lost his best buddy, Parker
Who was suddenly wiped away

Parker was drawn on a Monday
by a substitute teacher from Prague
She wanted to make it a fun day
so she thought she would draw a big dog

She picked Hector out of the drawer
and took his lid off with a snap!
She dropped the lid down to the floor
and Hector was without his cap

The substitute began to draw
And ink spread out on the white board
Hector was speechless with awe
His missing cap soon was ignored

The sub finished drawing the pup
Hector could not help but stare
The teacher picked his cap up
But Hector just did not care

Hector was placed into the tray
Where he and the puppy dog met
He listened for the sub to say
The name of the class’s new pet

The substitute asked the whole class
What they thought about naming the sketch
Little Jim said he would pass
“'Cause a drawing couldn't play fetch.”

Allison wanted to name it
Cynthia after her sis
Tabitha wanted to frame it
and dub it Jack, John, or Chris

Parker was Tyrone's suggestion
And everyone had to agree
There was really no question
That Parker fit him to a 'T'

At three o' clock, all went away
And Marker and pup were alone
Parker looked ready to play
So Hector drew him a bone

They frolicked and jumped all over
And ran all around the place
They stopped and lay in some clover
That Hector drew in a blank space

In the dark, wee hours of morning
The custodial staff appeared
They showed up to clean without warning
Just as Hector had feared

He knew that the cleaners would come
But he wasn’t quite sure just when
He wondered just what would become
Of Parker, His brand new best friend

The crew came and turned on the light
And Hector and Parker stopped dead
This ended the fun from last night
And filled poor Hector with dread

They picked up and emptied the litter
They scrubbed and mopped the floor
They swept up dust bunnies and glitter
They greased the squeak in the door

The worst they saved for the end
Much to poor Hector's fright
They took a cloth to the friend
That Hector had played with all night

So, Hector the dry erase-marker
Cried and sobbed ‘till he leaked
He wept for the wiped-away Parker
And his ink came out runny and streaked

The next day the class filled again
With students who wanted to learn
They mentioned Hector’s missing friend
When the substitute also returned

The teacher walked up to the front
And saw the mess that was made
She let out an audible grunt
And asked the class for some aide

Soon all of Hector's dried tears
Were wiped clean away by a towel
And then all of Hector's fears
Vanished along with his scowl

For soon he was cap-less again
As he glided across the board
His ink was spread out and then
With surprise, he was totally floored

For there, right in front of the room
Was someone he didn't expect
He fought off his gloom and his doom
And decided that he was correct

It WAS his friend who was drawn
On the white board the day before!
His buddy he thought was gone
And that he would see no more!

Parker returned that day
But again in the morning was wiped
But Hector knew not to dismay
And he never again groaned or griped

The substitute started a trend
And each day Parker earned his spot
As Hector’s very best friend
And the classroom’s permanent mascot

So, next time you see a poor marker
Sitting by a board that is blank, you
Just draw him a friend like Parker
And you might get a big marker Thank You!

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Tyrone P Maples

by James von Dielingen

Tyrone P Maples
Pulled twenty-five staples
That lodged themselves into his thumb

He had naught to blame
But his own horrid aim
And a rusty big ole staple gun

Kelly O'Roarke

by James von Dielingen

Kelly O'Roarke
Ate nothing but pork
And nothing else went on her plate

She lost her appeal
When she started to squeal
For Kelly became what she ate

Myra Van Dane

by James von Dielingen

Myra van Dane
Was going insane
While nobody else was looking

Now all of her friends
Are facing their ends
In a giant stew pot Myra's cooking

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

My Whims

by James von Dielingen

More puny humans should bow to my whims
Keep my gut stuffed, fill my cups to their brims
Do all my homework, and shine all my shoes
Put on TV any show that I choose
Fluff up my pillows and sign all my checks
Take out my garbage and shuffle my decks
Ask me quiz questions but try not to stump
I really don’t want to look like a big chump
Play video games the way I want to play
And let me win at least 10 times per day
Tell me my paintings should hang in the Met
And buy every one so I can pay off my debt
Change all the laws so that one large giraffe
Can live in my yard along with my staff
Who’ll answer all mail and keep up with my plans
And autograph pictures for all of my fans
What’s that you say? Not a single fan wrote?
Maybe they’re scared, please, I don’t want to gloat
For my next public appearance they’ll have to sell tickets
Who wants one? …No one?...Only some crickets?...

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Please, Don't Poke My Belly

by James von Dielingen

Belly Jelly wiggles
And Belly Jelly wriggles
Just be very careful
If Belly Jelly giggles

Belly Jell may greet you
And Belly Jell may meet you
But giggling Belly Jelly
Will very likely eat you

Friday, December 16, 2011

Oh, The Things I Have Seen

by James von Dielingen

Oh, the things that I've seen that I won't see again
Like a yeti devouring an old yellow hen
Or a shark flying high in the overcast sky
Eating eagles and hawks as they swiftly fly by
Or a small baby scientist mixing his potions
Like explosive formula and teddy bear lotions
Or dancing mosquitoes as big as a bear
With top hats that cover their coarse, prickly hair
Or gators that belch hot lavender flames
And play with Rudolph in his reindeer games
Or pickles that march in military formation
Solving one massive mathematical diff’rential equation
Or talking sombreros with lively debates
About current events and old potentates
Or line dancing pistols with fish in their barrels
Grooving to badly remixed Christmas Carols
I tell you I've seen them, I know how it seems
But they all exist, really, and not in my dreams
They followed me home from the dentist last week
After having to go under so I wouldn’t shriek
What? You think the gas made my mind foggy?
Come to think of it, yes, I did feel somewhat groggy.