Booger Gum

by James von Dielingen

I put a booger on the shelf
I was gonna eat it by myself
But my sister put her gum on top
I tried to tell her to please stop
but she didn't heed my plaintiff call
Now she's chewing her gum, my booger and all

Hector the Dry-Erase Marker

by James von Dielingen

Hector the dry-erase marker

Cried all night and all day

He lost his best buddy, Parker

Who was suddenly wiped away

Parker was drawn on a Monday

by a substitute teacher from Prague

She wanted to make it a fun day

so she thought she would draw a big dog

She picked Hector out of the drawer

and took his lid off with a snap!

She dropped the lid down to the floor

and Hector was without his cap

The substitute began to draw

And ink spread out on the white board

Hector was speechless with awe

His missing cap soon was ignored

The sub finished drawing the pup

Hector could not help but stare

The teacher picked his cap up

But Hector just did not care

Hector was placed into the tray

Where he and the puppy dog met

He listened for the sub to say

The name of the class’s new pet

The substitute asked the whole class

What they thought about naming the sketch

Little Jim said he would pass

“'Cause a drawing couldn't play fetch.”

Allison wanted to name it

Cynthia after her sis

Tabitha wanted to frame it

and dub it Jack, John, or Chris

Parker was Tyrone's suggestion

And everyone had to agree

There was really no question

That Parker fit him to a 'T'

At three o' clock, all went away

And Marker and pup were alone

Parker looked ready to play

So Hector drew him a bone

They frolicked and jumped all over

And ran all around the place

They stopped and lay in some clover

That Hector drew in a blank space

In the dark, wee hours of morning

The custodial staff appeared

They showed up to clean without warning

Just as Hector had feared

He knew that the cleaners would come

But he wasn’t quite sure just when

He wondered just what would become

Of Parker, His brand new best friend

The crew came and turned on the light

And Hector and Parker stopped dead

This ended the fun from last night

And filled poor Hector with dread

They picked up and emptied the litter

They scrubbed and mopped the floor

They swept up dust bunnies and glitter

They greased the squeak in the door

The worst they saved for the end

Much to poor Hector's fright

They took a cloth to the friend

That Hector had played with all night

So, Hector the dry erase-marker

Cried and sobbed ‘till he leaked

He wept for the wiped-away Parker

And his ink came out runny and streaked

The next day the class filled again

With students who wanted to learn

They mentioned Hector’s missing friend

When the substitute also returned

The teacher walked up to the front

And saw the mess that was made

She let out an audible grunt

And asked the class for some aide

Soon all of Hector's dried tears

Were wiped clean away by a towel

And then all of Hector's fears

Vanished along with his scowl

For soon he was cap-less again

As he glided across the board

His ink was spread out and then

With surprise, he was totally floored

For there, right in front of the room

Was someone he didn't expect

He fought off his gloom and his doom

And decided that he was correct

It WAS his friend who was drawn

On the white board the day before!

His buddy he thought was gone

And that he would see no more!

Parker returned that day

But again in the morning was wiped

But Hector knew not to dismay

And he never again groaned or griped

The substitute started a trend

And each day Parker earned his spot

As Hector’s very best friend

And the classroom’s permanent mascot

So, next time you see a poor marker

Sitting by a board that is blank, you

Just draw him a friend like Parker

And you might get a big marker Thank You!

Tyrone P Maples

by James von Dielingen

Tyrone P Maples
Pulled twenty-five staples
That lodged themselves into his thumb

He had naught to blame
But his own horrid aim
And a rusty big ole staple gun

Kelly O'Roarke

by James von Dielingen

Kelly O'Roarke
Ate nothing but pork
And nothing else went on her plate

She lost her appeal
When she started to squeal
For Kelly became what she ate

Myra Van Dane

by James von Dielingen

Myra van Dane
Was going insane
While nobody else was looking

Now all of her friends
Are facing their ends
In a giant stew pot Myra's cooking

My Whims

by James von Dielingen

More puny humans should bow to my whims

Keep my gut stuffed, fill my cups to their brims

Do all my homework, and shine all my shoes

Put on TV any show that I choose

Fluff up my pillows and sign all my checks

Take out my garbage and shuffle my decks

Ask me quiz questions but try not to stump

I really don’t want to look like a big chump

Play video games the way I want to play

And let me win at least 10 times per day

Tell me my paintings should hang in the Met

And buy every one so I can pay off my debt

Change all the laws so that one large giraffe

Can live in my yard along with my staff

Who’ll answer all mail and keep up with my plans

And autograph pictures for all of my fans

What’s that you say? Not a single fan wrote?

Maybe they’re scared, please, I don’t want to gloat

For my next public appearance they’ll have to sell tickets

Who wants one? …No one?...Only some crickets?...

Please, Don't Poke My Belly

by James von Dielingen

Belly Jelly wiggles

And Belly Jelly wriggles

Just be very careful

If Belly Jelly giggles

Belly Jell may greet you

And Belly Jell may meet you

But giggling Belly Jelly

Will very likely eat you

Oh, The Things I Have Seen

by James von Dielingen

Oh, the things that I've seen that I won't see again

Like a yeti devouring an old yellow hen

Or a shark flying high in the overcast sky

Eating eagles and hawks as they swiftly fly by

Or a small baby scientist mixing his potions

Like explosive formula and teddy bear lotions

Or dancing mosquitoes as big as a bear

With top hats that cover their coarse, prickly hair

Or gators that belch hot lavender flames

And play with Rudolph in his reindeer games

Or pickles that march in military formation

Solving one massive mathematical diff’rential equation

Or talking sombreros with lively debates

About current events and old potentates

Or line dancing pistols with fish in their barrels

Grooving to badly remixed Christmas Carols

I tell you I've seen them, I know how it seems

But they all exist, really, and not in my dreams

They followed me home from the dentist last week

After having to go under so I wouldn’t shriek

What? You think the gas made my mind foggy?

Come to think of it, yes, I did feel somewhat groggy.